Updated: Jun 5
Sincerely, Future You - Life Coach Jessica McKinley Uyeno
How we think about time as a couple: Never use other peoples definition of what’s possible to determine what’s possible. In this episode, Mark Uyeno (aka. my lovely husband) joins me to chat about our time management tips. Even if you’re a single mom or have a partner that doesn’t work from home, these tips are about how you think about and communicate with time.
[00:20:18] Change your time beliefs
[00:30:45] What is a non-negotiable and what can be flexed?
[00:37:26] The importance of holding the attention
[00:49:10] Respectful listening and thoughts
Our first episode together: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-an-entrepreneur-w-guest-mark-uyeno-my/id1499375904?i=1000519351115
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Jessica McKinley Uyeno 0:00
You do not have to have the same exact situation, both people partners working from home, or both, or one of you guys not having a commute or both of you guys contributing to the parenting, none of that needs to happen in order for you to have really successful communication. And just results when it comes to time management. We're just sharing what's working for us so that you can take what is useful and apply it and then kind of discard the rest.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 0:34
Welcome to Sincerely, Future You a podcast that helps ambitious women like you and make decisions today with the future you in mind.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 0:45
Hi Happsters. Lucky you. Do you know why? Because we have on our most favorite guests ever my most favorite guests ever? Mark my husband? I think this is actually the first time he's been. Yeah, he's been on the show that he's been my husband. First time he was my boyfriend. Then the second time he was what do we ever say fiance?
Mark Uyeno 1:10
I don't know. Such a short period.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 1:12
I know. Right? We didn't never really got engaged. We just were like, Let's get married. And now we are married. And you guys have been telling me how much you love the episodes when we have him on? Because of course what behind what do they say behind every amazing woman is an amazing man standing in the wings, I'm pretty sure that that quote is the reverse in history. But it's true in 2022. If you see all of the things that I do when it comes to time management, and money management, and emotional management, all of that is navigated and communicated behind the scenes with Mark and he helps me with so much of what I do. And I know a lot of you guys struggle with, okay, I'm trying to implement Hopster scheduling or budgeting. But you know, my partner is just not on board or they're, they're confused, or I need them to talk to you. And I do not coach men, I only coach women. So occasionally I like to bring mark on the podcast so that you do have that access to a partner's perspective and what it's like for him as we apply the tools that I teach you here on the podcast. So twice before, if you haven't ever met Mark on the show, you can go back and listen to those episodes, we'll link them in the show notes. But the first one we talked about dating and entrepreneurs, so if you are a business owner, and you want to kind of you really just know what it's like from the perspective of someone while I was scaling my business, because from the time we started dating to now my business has, I mean 10x in size. And so what that was like for him and how he managed while I was scaling. And then second, we talked about budgeting as a couple, and finances and all of those big investments that we make. So as you guys know, happening sessions, the time of this has just enrolled. So make sure for for the next round you are on the waitlist. But that is a big advantage investment for some people if they are paying in full. And we talked about that in that episode. And today, we're going to be talking to you about the third thing that I always talk to you guys about which is time we're going to talk about time management as a couple. So I'm gonna let let Mark introduce himself and explain a little bit about what he does and who he is and what his time responsibilities are. And then we'll, we'll kind of get into it for you guys and give you some tips. So without further ado, Mark, tell us tell us all all that you are.
Mark Uyeno 4:11
Yeah, great. Well, thank you, Jess, honey. Yeah, no, I have I've been somebody who really has managed his time in a way that just internalizes the idea that and this is a story that I wanted to maybe just start with, if that's at all possible, but always used to kind of look look at how things are going and always assume and know that whatever that is that I'm going toward have the confidence and the belief that that thing will happen and that I will be able to succeed. That reminds me of a time when I was back in school and university whenever we had tests and papers and all those things that were due. I was never the type of person who overly stressed about those things. I knew that there's 24 hours in a day that you have to kind of allocate your time appropriately. But ultimately, at the end of the day, it will, the goal of achieving the goal in what you're looking to achieve will actually come to fruition. So kind of time feels like it's moving faster if you're stressing about the situation. So I've always tried to reduce the the thought of the stress that that it could be inducing. So to try to alleviate that belief that time is moving faster, because everybody has 24 hours in a day. But for some people, it feels like they have less time. And for some people, it feels like they have more time. Now obviously, there are other factors like recently, we've had our beautiful baby girl Mari. So if there are certainly times when having the responsibilities behind, now to children in the home, feels like there's less time, but really, it's just all about allocating your time towards the things that are most important to you. So obviously, we both have the, the fortune of working from home. So that does give us the ability to allocate time that would potentially be used for commuting to work or, or things like that, to put towards things that we feel are more beneficial and relevant to what makes us happy and what drives us in our lives. So, so very, very happy about that. But ya know, I mean, it's certainly been a change in how managing our time is is conducted when when Mari came into the picture. But I don't know, I think we're doing a pretty good job,
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 6:25
too. And it's why I wanted to have you on, because I think that we approach time in a different way. But we share a lot of the same core beliefs about time. But so just tell them just for perspective, because I think a lot of people like want to know, okay, do you have a full time job? What do you do? How many hours kind of, maybe you don't have to say how many hours you work because I know your job, it is a little bit different. But you can kind of give an insight into your roles and your priorities.
Mark Uyeno 6:54
Yeah, so I do have a full time job. I used to work in the alcohol industry, in finance, where I was going into the office every day commuting sometimes at the worst an hour and a half each way. So right there is three hours
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 7:10
to Connecticut from Long Island.
Mark Uyeno 7:13
So right there is you know, three additional hours that can be allocated elsewhere to to things that are more important. But now I made the transition to work for the company that my dad actually founded Starwood pet travel. So working kind of to to help deliver and help people who are in the process of relocating for work or personal reasons, help delivering their pets and getting them from point A to point B. So it's a, it's a role that is really the ultimate kind of result is so positive and enjoying because you're really just at the end of the day, reuniting people with their with their loved ones, after after an extended period of travel. So, so very exciting there. But yeah, so I think that role obviously allows me to work from home. So everything is remote. So again, it removes those needs to have to commute the time waste the time, we'll talk about time, waste and time sucks. But one for me was obviously the the need to have to commute all the time to to those places. So not having to do that and being able to, you know, focus on the things that are most important to me, like family, being able to the idea of being able to, you know, take Mari for a walk in the morning or during lunchtime. Recently, being able to, you know, Calvin school is two blocks away from our house. So being able to go there, pick them up from school, and then just throw the football in the air for 10 minutes with him and a few of his friends. That is something that I do genuinely enjoy and love and being able to prioritize that. Because of the flexibility. And you know, the ability to work from home and things like that has been a real joy for me.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 8:51
Yeah, I'm really glad that you kind of brought up what you did beforehand to because this isn't by accident, I hear a lot of people tell me Well, like, Oh, my job won't allow me to x, y, z. And that is definitely true for all of us, right? We all have things that we need to be able to prioritize and allocate. But at the end of the day, if your number one priority is something that you can't show up to, and you're blaming that on your job, it might be time to think about another graduate. Now, that's not what this topic is about. But I did want to mention it because recently Mark has been kind of sought after to go, you know, maybe have some other opportunities come up. And we've talked about what that would look like and what would it really take if any amount of money to put him back in a situation where he was not able to kind of share in the 5050. Of of parenting at home because that is something that's important. into both of us, like we just know, during these younger years, we want to be there for the little moments, you know, Calvin has his first field trip today, but I am going on a field trip in the spring with him, it's really important to me to be able to do that. And I know for Mark, you know, those little moments like he said, The the moment in the morning where he can kind of just hold Mari and see her during lunchtime or in the morning. That was a priority for us. So it was very attractive to him to take this type of a role. Now, I will say also, you talked about your commute. And there might be some of you guys who are listening, who still are commuting. And Mark talks about how like, it's so great, because he has that time to allocate. But here's what I know about Mark, we we always find a way to make whatever our current circumstances are our advantage. So if he did have that three hour total commute, I can guarantee you he would be making sure that during that time, there was one of his priorities was being, you know, focused on
Mark Uyeno 11:08
Yeah, it was a peak karaoke time in my life with the amount of singing I was doing in the car. But But yeah, no, I mean, I agree, obviously. Yeah, you have to, you know, obviously, you're you're wanting to listen to a lot of podcasts, self help developmental things. So being able to do those things, I used to listen to more of those than I do, obviously now. So yeah, there are benefits in both ways. And you just have to identify what would what would be the most beneficial in the circumstance that you're currently right.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 11:35
And I just wanted to say that because everyone who's listening, all of your circumstances are going to be different. And you do, I just want to reiterate, as we're going through these tips, you do not have to have the same exact situation, both people partners working from home, or both, or one of you guys not having a commute, or both of you guys contributing to the parenting, none of that needs to happen in order for you to have really successful communication. And just results when it comes to time management. We're just sharing what's working for us so that you can take what is useful and apply it and then kind of discard the rest, like I said to like some of you guys are going to have additional support when it comes to child care. Or some of you guys really are going to like to divide and conquer. I know Mark, and I don't like to do that we like to partner on almost everything. It's just our personalities. But the divide and conquer works for some of you guys. So keep in mind, these tips have more to do with how you think and communicate about time, rather than the exact how to have how it's going to work. So whatever we're saying here, I don't want any of you guys to use it against you. So Okay. Is there anything that you can think of mark that about how you manage time differently before adding me into the picture? And when we started dating, obviously, you were adding not just me, but me and Calvin into the picture. What changed when you became like the partner versus just how you manage time, if anything? Yeah, so
Mark Uyeno 13:12
I can't imagine too many listeners know that I'm a Los Angeles chargers football fan, which has been painful over the last several years. But we're decades really. But anyway. So I actually was such a fan that I had season tickets. So when I was traveling a lot for work, I had the great fortune to travel and fly, instead of flying here where I actually didn't even have an apartment or a home or anything like that
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 13:39
when he's here he needs New York, kind of home basing it from New York, but not really with his old role where he was traveling so much.
Mark Uyeno 13:46
So I would I would I would just end my travels for for that stint in California. And I would go to charger games like three, four every year. And then I had season tickets for two or three years, I would fly out there had some really nice friends out there who would put me up, we'd go to the game together, we'd have a great time, then I'd fly home. So obviously, that was a time commitment. I mean, there are some times when I would fly in the morning on a Sunday, go to the game and then get dropped off and take the red eye home for work on Monday. So you know that to me at the time was a priority because I enjoyed the team I enjoyed spending time with those those college friends who lived out there. And I you know, I don't obviously at this point ever since really, once I knew that we were we were pregnant with Mary and that was coming down the pipe. There was really no way that I'd be able to prioritize the family life and the family person that I want it to be but then also every other weekend flying to Los Angeles for a day or two to go to a football game. So I think most of the most of the CO have kids that have a family can understand that that wasn't as hard of a decision as as, you know someone who single may believe it was but but again, a huge change in my life from from what I was used to. But one that, again was an easy decision knowing when you take a step back and think about the things and the type of person that you want to be. And the things that are most important to you. easy decision to make,
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 15:11
you know. And it's, it's funny because we didn't talk about this before we were preparing for the call. But another thing that we were talking about before Mari came into the picture. Because when we got pretty good at navigating, like our circumstances, with Calvin before the picture, because like is that everything that we're doing here, everything that we're teaching you everything that we're offering, as far as tips, it's all a work in progress. It's all take requires a lot of experimentation, communication, tweaking, as does anything, but when a new phase of life happens, whether you move or whether one of you gets a new job, or whether you bring a kid into the picture, there's going to be new, a new set of circumstances, and you are just going to have to figure that out. And I remember us talking about golfing and you were thinking about getting a golf membership. And I was pregnant. And this is like weeks before I was due and marks like yeah, maybe we just joined this golf club. And I was like, can we just wait until after the baby's born, so that we really understand what the circumstances are of whether you're going to want to be golfing enough to make this worth it.
Mark Uyeno 16:26
To be fair time management was baked into that decision because the club was in town. So I was thinking about the commute times and how much different it would be to only golf nine holes every time so so there wasn't like there was a total disregard for time management in there. It actually was part of it. But ultimately, yeah, I mean, ever since March has been born, I think I've evolved like once or twice. And one of those was in a family vacation when there was you know, lots of help and whatnot. So it just but I've said this so many times, to my other friends who have been golfing a little bit more, I honestly don't even miss it that much. Which is probably one of the biggest surprises, but it's just because what is here and you know, the things that are keeping me away from it are just so positive and so great that it just hasn't really been a major fact. Now when I'm when I am doing it, and I'm out there, I do enjoy it. And it's and it's fun. And I, I wish I wish I could do this more. But in the moment of not being in it. I just I don't even really miss it as much. So it's also because I was never that good. So I'm not really, you know, missing out on being that great, but
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 17:29
he's pretty good. I think he's being modest here. But I the reason I even brought that up wasn't because ultimately, we decided that it wasn't the time to join the club, like you can golf kind of when it makes sense for our schedule. But it was because one of the things that you said to me leading up when I said, it just isn't the time, I don't think it's the time. And you said to me, like that goes against everything that we stand for it. You never use other people's definition of what's possible in a phase of life to determine what's possible for us. And I was just kind of like, Damn, that's so true. And I want to offer to you like we could have made it work. Ultimately we didn't, I wasn't like I put my foot down and was like, Absolutely not. I'm taking this off the table, you can't do it. I offer that you don't have all of the pieces. I said you can't quite imagine what you're going to feel like once Mark gets here. And it's only a couple of weeks away. Why don't we wait, and then you can make the decision. And then ultimately, once she was here, you made the decision. Yeah, to hold off.
Mark Uyeno 18:41
I didn't know you're right. There was there is no way to know exactly what that's going to feel like. Right? When but then yeah, it's life has never been the same. So it's Yeah, I can't even imagine.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 18:50
But yeah, I do want to offer like what Mark said was very true. If you want a big life, and that's something that we talk about a lot on the podcast, and you want to be able to do amazing things within the 24 hours a day that we all have, you need to have some core beliefs. So we're gonna get into our I think we have six, yes, six time management tips as a couple that helped us to kind of stay on the same page and to deliver the results that are really important to us. And the first one is to find your foundational time beliefs. And that was kind of one of them. For me. For me, it was believing that the people around me don't determine what's possible in the phase of life that I'm in. So when I was a single mom, people basically love to tell me this sob story. They love to feed me the struggle that I was in and kind of tell me Oh, of course you're not going to be able to do that because you are a single mom and now I'm a new mom, again, I think people have an idea of what I can and cannot do. And I like to determine for myself what is possible. And the same thing within a relationship. So what are some of your core foundational beliefs about time? I think you talked about one right in the beginning is that it's always gets done.
Mark Uyeno 20:18
Yeah, I think it's the idea that like, yeah, it'll get done, we'll manage through it, like, I've always managed to it. And that's one that we've, I've implemented, while we've been chatting, you know, throughout our lives and the thing that are important to us as well, it's like, it's the idea, it relates to the thoughts and the feelings around time. And the true belief that if you stress about it, and if you, and if you think that something won't get done, I do, I'm kind of a strong believer in like self fulfilling prophecies like you do. If you feel that way, you might just ultimately kind of make that be the reality of your situation. So always having that belief that things will get done, removing that stress will make it feel like there's more time and then if you feel like there's more time, then your your your ability to accomplish what you want to accomplish, will, will happen. And another thing, I think this is probably more of like a corporate work lingo thing that I've always used to say, but like when dealing with, with stakeholders, or business partners that you're dealing with, or even friends or family, I mean, it's relevant in every aspect of life, the idea of holding the tension, and making sure that if somebody is challenging you, or someone, you know, is requesting something that it's not just because potentially you have a scarcity, thought about time, it's not just a okay, I'm just gonna say yes, just to do it. Like there's, there's some some experiences and some points in life where it's worthwhile to spend a little bit of time to have a deeper discussion and to and to thoroughly talk through something to get to, and ultimately correct decision that will, in the long in the long run, create more or create more time and, and reduce the amount of time that something takes down the line. preparation before something will ultimately lead to less time it takes down the line. So that idea of holding the tension and making sure that the the stakeholder that you're dealing with, or the person that you're speaking with, that you you don't just concede, because you feel like it's something that will take less time, if you just concede and move on and like move on to the next point. It's managing that conversation, getting to the ultimate right decision, maybe spending a little bit of extra time in the in the first 25% to then reduce the amount of time that it takes down the line.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 22:34
Yeah, I've watched you do that. Like since the beginning of, of dating you and your career. And I've always found it so helpful. Because I have adopted it in my own life, you know, some of you guys who are listening, and know that we like actually, we're not just managing our time, just the two of us. A lot of our time management is navigated also with Calvin's dad, my ex husband and his wife now. And we're always trying to figure out who is going to be responsible for Calvin on those random holidays, we have had the most like the most one off day holidays this fall that I think I've ever been aware of once you have a parent, once you're a parent of a kid in the school system, right? It's like kindergarten, oh, they're offer Rashanna and they're off for Veterans Day, and they're off for Election Day and their offer. And you're like, wait, but I'm not I'm not off what what's happening here, and that have that thought about being willing to hold the tension. And I think really, it's like being willing to hold the boundaries. So we'll be talking about that. And another tip has been so helpful in terms of saving time in the long run in that relationship, because there's some times where in the past, especially women, especially those of you who identify as people pleasers, we'll just be like, Okay, well, it's quicker, and it's faster if I just do it myself, or if I just concede, and ultimately it's not faster ultimately ends up, that habit ends up costing you time in the long run. So that's been one that I've stolen from you and some of my other foundational time beliefs that you guys can borrow. I say this on the podcast all the time. Number one, there's plenty of time. It sounds so simple, but yet, it's really important that you believe there is plenty of time to get everything you want to get done. Number two is I'm supported. That might not sound like a time belief, but it allows you to make the decisions that are right for you. When you believe that like you don't have to do everything yourself. So because I believe as a core belief that I'm supported not just by Mark but by my team and by my family. And by the world I love this quote also that I, I am convinced that the whole world is conspiring to make my dreams come true. Because I believe that I am able to ask for help when I need it, I'm able to delegate pretty easily. Another one of my thoughts is will always get the result. So similar to Mark's, it always gets done. And then finally, that if he can't help execute the plan, if I have a plan, and Mark can't help in it, it's my responsibility to find another route. If the result doesn't get done, that's always on me. Because I believe this, you know, some people really don't believe this. They argue with this, I just find it to be such a helpful time management thought, because I never feel stuck that way. If I'm responsible for getting the result done, no matter what marks can be my go to person that I go to to see, okay, I have this, are you able to help? And if he can't, or if it's not the priority for him at the moment, I don't play the gate blame game. I don't waste time blaming him. Now, of course, there are moments where I'm not perfect at this. And I do I am like, oh, gosh, like you said that we should just be, you know, right now currently, we don't have childcare for Mari. And we, you know, Mark's mom helps us out one day, a week, occasionally, to if we really need it. But most of the time, we're navigating our schedule and passing her back and forth. And it if I am not meticulous with my scheduling, I can oftentimes fall short of the goal. And Mark just reminds me like, well, you just need to schedule a little further in advance. And he reminds me of the principles that I teach you guys. So reminder that playing the blame game is only going to waste your time and a one way to make sure you're not doing that is making sure that you are responsible for all the results that you care about.
Mark Uyeno 27:12
And telling you to plan further ahead is a good example of holding the tension. Yes, a lot of times people maybe wouldn't feel comfortable saying that. But again, it's not the most, it's not the easiest thing to sometimes say things like that. And holding the tension isn't always the easiest thing and will not always result in an immediate positive response. But again, ultimately, it's kind of breaking through that tension, or that's why it's called holding the tension breaking through that tension instead of giving into it can ultimately lead to a more successful and more time friendly resolve.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 27:43
Yeah, I love that, like a lot of these tips that we're gonna give you are kind of like inter interchangeable or dependent on each other. But the second one that we're gonna say is to get ahead of it. So to do as much future planning as possible, giving notice helps loads when it is possible to give notice, and I talked about this actually, in our episode on, on finances and on budgeting, I talked about how because I am thinking a month to a quarter to even sometimes now a year in advance with my investments, I know kind of that whether I'm going to be investing in a mastermind or a coaching program, usually about six months out, and I can start planning for it. And if I think that there's going to be, you know, an obstacle or something that might require us to change our current plan. I communicate that as soon as possible. So with time, I'm always trying to do that we have our monthly calendar on the fridge for the big things, and for things that just aren't our weekly kind of regular routine schedule. And we have different color color markers for each person's responsibility. But and I want to say this, because I know a lot of you guys do this, I put it on the calendar, and then it causes fights because you assume because you put it on the calendar, the other person saw it. I never assume that we use that as a reference and a guide so that if either of us is trying to make a plan and the other person is not there, we can look at it and use it to make a plan. But we don't just expect the person to look at it. It's a reference, like I said, so whenever something new comes up, we speak about it. We confirm that the other person is aware and has come coverage. I always say trust but verify. So I'm trusting that he's going to be responsible for what's on the calendar. However, I'm always going to verify that he saw it because that is me being responsible for the results that I care about right and have coverage. So recently like I said we had some notice. Because Mark, notice that next week, there's two days off in school for election day and for Veterans Day. And I was just unaware of this, I did not realize. And so because of that, we were able to communicate with Dustin my axe and figure it out between the two of us figure out if we need extra child care or who's going to be handling what when, and that notice helps us get on the same page quickly, which if you don't have any other things to add to that tip is tip number three, which is get on the same page quickly. So on the flip side of getting ahead of it, not everything in life is something that we plan for, especially when it comes to kids. And I am clear with myself about what is a non negotiable, and what can be flex. And I know that Mark is as well, I think that he thinks of a lot of his most most of our life, we think of as things that we can manage through or flex around. And we think of ourselves as flexible, adaptable people. However, there are certain things that are non negotiable. And we're clear with each other about what those things are. So that we don't get into this rhythm of assuming that the other person's always going to be flexible. And we're like, hey, just so you know, I do have a call tomorrow at 915. It is non flexible. So just making sure that you're aware of that. We're always kind of just double checking in and getting on the same page quickly. So this week was a good example, because we both have some pretty heavy work weeks. I have as we're recording this that happening sessions launch is next week. So I've got a lot of people asking questions, a lot of consults a lot of emails that are just need to be tweaked and scheduled and written. And you just got back from a conference. And yeah,
Mark Uyeno 32:03
a lot, a lot of follow up conversations with networking event that happened in Vegas. So prioritizing, reaching out to those individuals having you know, meaningful conversations to further the the networking that we had there. So yes, yeah, definitely one of the more important busy weeks for me coming out of such an important event.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 32:21
Yeah. And we're not the type that were like always family first. And like, obviously, yes, our family is our priority. But we are very, we highly prioritize our job. And we both have jobs that we are passionate about. And we both have, you know, we care a lot about exceeding expectations and results within our careers. And so when it came to this week, we realized pretty quickly that neither of us were going to be able to flex more than 50% this week, and so we needed additional childcare. So I said, Hey, can you we realize this last week, we said hey, can you ask your mom to come an additional day on Tuesday, Wednesday, I talked to my ex husband about taking Calvin a little bit early on Friday found out that actually he has his busiest week as well. And so knowing this was so helpful, because had we gotten to the week and started to just kind of ask for that support or help thinking, I need this. I really, this is a busy week for me and not factoring in what the other where the other person was at all three of us, I think, you know, my ex included would have been like, Hey, this is my busiest week, why does my stuff come last right and start to feel slighted. And so I think that one, you're on the same page as quick as possible. Like, even though we realize this is a week out that that's not that much. Notice. We were just like, Okay, no problem. The past is the past, we're going forward, we're going to look at the spring doesn't stand and I aren't doesn't say Calvin's Dad and I are going to look at the spring schedule for all of the holidays next week. And we're going to make sure that it's all covered in advance. But right now, you just have to get on the same page as quickly as possible. So we do that we focus on the future, you know, this podcast is called sincerely future you in the future, and all gets done, it's all solved. And because of that we were able to get on the same page quickly and then get back emotionally to that neutral place where we can operate and deliver the results that we need to deliver this week.
Mark Uyeno 34:32
Yeah, I mean, we've said this, one of the previous podcast episodes that I've been on, but there's very few things in life in a relationship, any type of relationship where timely and over communication will not have a beneficial impact. So just kind of that as a core fundamental relationship, whether it's a you know, a romantic relationship or a friendship or a business relationship, communication in a timely manner, is always going to have the positive long term effect on the result. So, so yeah, I mean, it helps us in this suitcase get on the same page quickly. It helps align what our goals are and helps getting ahead of things. So as an overarching belief, I think just Yeah, timely communication is just critical. Yeah,absolutely. And actually, when you said other relationships as well, I know growing up with parents who are really don't like to commit to any particular timeline for things like, my parents just like to be spontaneous, they don't like to have things set in stone and be on a schedule. And because of that, I also am aware that maybe you guys have a partner, you have a partner who is like that as well. And I want to offer you that they do not need to change in order for you to have really clean and clear time management process for yourself. So like, with my parents, for example, whenever you know, they're coming up this week, and they're going to a wedding, we're actually watching my nephew or nephew, while my brother and my sister in law are at a wedding. And I needed to know some things in advance. And my mom was not, she just didn't have it kind of sorted yet. And I said, Okay, I just need to know by Friday in order. So for for you, if you do need to get on the same page with someone and they just are saying, like, they don't have the answer. Give them a deadline and be willing to do that. So like, and then if they're not, if they say like they can't do that, then you need to be prepared to tell them the consequence of that. So whereas if they couldn't tell me when they were going to be in town, then I might not be available. I don't like you know, burn a bridge and say, well, then I won't do it no matter what I'll just say like, just so you know that I might end up scheduling over the time when you need me and I might have a conflict with it. So if you're okay with that, you don't have to make the decision. Again, I don't, we don't have to try and control the other person, it's really important that you don't take away from this episode, while Marx does this. And so I need you to be like Mark, no, all of these are tips that you can use, and you can adopt yourself, it only takes one person in the relationship to have a really amazing relationship.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 37:26
Well, and I think it's important to realize that while So in that example, with your mom, you requested something, she didn't have the information, you gave a timeline. Like for you, it's, it's a critical thing to get that information, it's so important to you, she may not and in any sort of, you know, dynamic between two people with some when you request something, it may not be as much of a priority for you as it is for them. So again, that's where that's where it becomes important to hold the tension. Because in your mind, it may feel like oh, like Why hasn't she gotten me this information? Like she's she's not prioritizing this. It's like, if it's important to you, then you have to follow up, you have to hold that tension, and say, Hey, did you get and then she may be like, You know what, I totally, it slipped my mind, this is the information, I actually do have it, here it is. And like there's so many times when like, again, you could have if you were willing to hold their attention and have what you may think going into it be that difficult conversation or, you know, an awkward conversation, because I just asked them yesterday, if you're willing to have that conversation, if it's actually as important to you, as you say it is have that conversation, they may then give it to you quicker, you got to stop thinking about the idea that maybe they're going to be frustrated, or they're going to be disappointed. It's like what's more important to you to get what you need to accomplish your goal or to help you achieve what you need to achieve, or potentially, without any real evidence to prove that they would feel this way, you know, feel like you're creating an awkward situation by having a conversation. So that's another good example of holding the attention and the importance of it. That was actually really it's kind of tip number four, which is decide on the results that you care about, and then be 100% responsible for them while asking for help and support as needed. So like I said, there, there's going to be some cases where or like Mark said, some cases where there's a shared priority. And it's important to both of you like for me and Mark, getting childcare, making sure that our kids are taken care of if we can't be the ones to be there for them. But sometimes, there's going to be priorities that are important to one of you and not as important to the other. It's not personal. It just means that in your day, you're thinking about what you need to be responsible for. That might not be something that the other persons responsible for doesn't mean they can't help you out. So people ask me all the time and coaching, what do I say to get the result and I always say it doesn't matter what you said. It's not what you say or how you say it. It's how you feel when you say it, and if you feel worried that you're going to upset someone that is going to drive your action. It's going to put probably lead to a more awkward conversation and a more defensive approach than is necessary. Whereas if you feel, and the superpower I love to use in asking for help with a priority, it's just neutral. It's like, I'm just asking you for help, you're allowed to say, No, I'm asking you for, you know, more information. So I can plan my schedule. If you don't get it to me, I'll just keep asking neutrally until I either get the answer that I need. Or I don't get the answer that I need. And I'm making the decision based off of my information, but then I can have my own back and feel really good about, okay, well, I made it very clear, like explicitly clear that I needed it by the state and union get it to me. So of course, I had to, you know, make the plan without your considerations. And then you can feel really good about that. Right, you always want to set yourself up for the situation that you can feel good about how you operate. And instead of kind of feeling like you have to be defensive, or blame the other person because of the results. So making sure that you are 100, you believe you're 100% responsible for your schedule, and your result that includes I'm responsible for my whole schedule, even if I'm asking Mark, I'm always verifying I'm always following up and just saying, hey, reminder, you're sure that XYZ and then this is a fun one. Tip number five is prioritize unplugged, fun or family time together. So whether it's a weekly date night, or just time away from your phones to sit and chat, your responsibilities or like, will always flow better if you have established fun and family or date time on the books. So we don't have an established date night because like, like we mentioned, we work from home together, we spend a lot of time together. However, you want to be really clear about what I know, I don't know if you guys are familiar with the love languages, but for me, I have some probably more needs in terms of quality time than the average person, like, I need time with Mark where we're physically touching, like, we are meeting that need right now. Because we're sitting next to each other doing this podcast, I need intimate time, like I need time to be able to tell Mark how I felt about something in my day. Or I also require we have some other non negotiables. So what are some things that you would say that we always have on the books in terms of like a month or a week or a day together that allows our work time apart to be really, really productive?
Mark Uyeno 42:59
Well, it's funny, because certain things potentially could feel like it's the day night but because they become so part of your normal schedule and sort of like loses that that feeling like yeah, like a lot of time, you know, like a lot of people at night after like when we're winding down, we like put on a show and we're watching your show. But that no longer feels like the escape that just feels like the norm, you know. So for me one of the things and so we get a weekly paper from our town, and it has a crossword puzzle. And this sort of connects on both it connects on the unplugging, but then also have having sort of like, you know, one on one time together is like we won't watch TV that night. And we'll actually just kind of do a crossword puzzle, which it kind of stimulates the mind both because it actually is more of a challenging crossword puzzle.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 43:45
This puzzle is hard Garden City, what are you doing to us very challenging,
Mark Uyeno 43:49
but so like, you know, we'll take some time away from our phones away from the TV. And we'll just either go in the sunroom or just like sit and just do a crossword puzzle together. And it seems so simple. But it is such a break from our normal sort of interactions that it does, and you know, kind of sometimes what depending on what the clue is, it'll spark a conversation that maybe we wouldn't have otherwise had about a topic that we typically wouldn't be talking about. So so for me that sort of has become, you know, when we do it, it's not like a scheduled thing. It's every Tuesday or whatever, but it's sort of like we see the paper and it just feels like a time to do it. That we do that and I've really enjoyed doing those over the last year.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 44:31
And we have our like go to restaurant that we go to that we feel really romantic when we're at which is the restaurant we got married at called to spring and that was our spot even before before we got married, obviously why we got married there and occasionally we'll be like okay, we haven't been to spring in a while. Let's go to spring. It's a really nice restaurant so we don't bring our kids. I mean we actually have brought Laurie because she's an angel in the car seat. She usually He sleeps, but we don't really bring Galvin there. So it is our time that's like really just us. And I will start to like, be onto yourself and know for yourself, maybe for Mark, he doesn't have the same priorities in terms of like, for me, I need out of the house time Mark is more of a homebody than I am like, I need more. I always say like, I get my energy from a crowded room, rather than getting your energy from like, recuperating and time to yourself. And so he'll be like, Yeah, well, we just had dinner out. But what he means is like we ordered in or something, and I'm like, no, no, I need us to get out of the house and just be in a room full of people, even if we're not talking to them, or we're just talking to us, it makes me feel like I'm connecting with him in a different energy. And so I know that that's a priority for me. And I will communicate that like, nope, I've reached my limit, we need time out. And it doesn't mean that it has to be money, because I used to have this issue as well. When I didn't have that much money, it was like, okay, just need to get out whether you go to like a networking event or a social thing, know what your, your needs are. Within that time, also, both of us are very, we prioritize working out. And we both like to work out almost every day. And so we make sure that we know that we respect that that's a priority for each of us. Now, sometimes one of us gets to work out and the other one doesn't get to work out. And that's a bummer. But like we said, ultimately, if I wanted to work out, and I'd say that Mark, just quote unquote, got to work out. Well, it was probably because I was prioritizing sleep that day. And maybe Mary woke up a couple of times, and I was nursing her and I wanted to sleep in and Mark was going to take her in the morning, and I could have woken up and worked out you just need to make sure that you understand that it is about you prioritizing. Now, if your significant other isn't, you know, if you do the divide and conquer thing, and they're not going or they're just travel a lot, and they're not able to be there to help you and you have kids and you're trying to manage this. Watch out for that victim mentality. I had this too when I was a single mom. And what did I have to do? I had to find help where I could get it for a brief period of time, like when Calvin was little. And I didn't have that, that help. And Dustin was at work or he was getting his MBA, I had to I didn't have family nearby, I had to rely on friends that I met just other moms in the area that would come over and I'd be like, Can we swap you watch the kids while I work out, I literally did that. So if it's a priority to you're going to show that it's a priority to by putting it on your calendar by making sure that you're asking for that. And, and one of those ways is that you're willing to either hold the tension or feel discomfort, which brings up our final tip for you guys, which is to establish time boundaries, and hold yourself and each other accountable. Okay, so what is a time time boundary, I think of a time boundary as the things that are non negotiable for you to get done within a certain period of time. We both work from home, and we love to chat, for example, we love to share memes will really Mark loves to share memes with me. And we both love to brag about something cute that Mary's doing. So both working from home can be a blessing and a curse because we interrupt each other constantly. And one of the things that I think that we're best at when it comes to time management is telling each other hold on nope, sorry, babe, I've got to do this, I'll be done in 10 minutes. Or I'm not going to be able to chat about this today at all until the end of the day or in an hour. And we never take it personally. Right? Like I don't know if Oh, yeah, I
Mark Uyeno 49:10
know that. And that that has that's been an evolution because I think a lot of people in relationships can probably attest to this. There have been plenty of times where you were instead of doing that you kind of just not along and you say yeah, as if you are listening, and then you get caught up in it and they you know, ask you a follow up question or something and then you're like, kind of caught in the fact that you weren't listening. And ultimately, I think we both realize that that all that ends up being a worse result than in the moment being like, you know, actually I have to I'm on a call or I'm finishing up an email I got to do this. You know, probably the first time one of us did it to each other there might have been that feeling of oh, okay, you know, but but then when you start to realize and we both do it to each other. started doing it, it just be comes like, oh, it's actually more of a respect thing. Because it's like what you're trying to explain to me and what you want to tell me. I respect it so much that I want it to have my undivided attention. And if it's not going to get my undivided attention in that moment, then I'm just going to say, don't talk to me about it right. Now let's, let's put it on the back burner, and we'll talk about it when this call is over, or when this email is done, or what do you know, whatever it may be. So that ultimately, I think, is a bit more reflection of the respect rather than lack of respect?
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 50:25
Yeah, sure. Absolutely. I agree. And I think that, the other thing is, is I say, when you're running a business, you the goal is to always be where you're at 100% like to be present for your work, and to be present for your family and for your kids. And not always feeling like when you're at one, you should be at the other. So if you have those unclean thoughts, like, oh, I should be spending more time with my kids, or I should be spending more time working, you're going to secretly be splitting your attention and wasting your time as well as you're going to be, like resenting the other person for distracting you from getting the results, you're gonna get, like very kind of scattered results, because you're having scattered thoughts. So another,
Mark Uyeno 51:15
it feels like other other countries, I think, and employees and other countries do a better job of this, like, when you see, there's actually again, I mean, we could talk about it. But there's, there's mean, that's that say, like, you know, out of office in Europe, it's like, Oh, me and my family or in the south of France, you can reach out to me in two months, because they prioritize, and they fully disconnect. I actually had a boss who said, it's not really a vacation, unless you're gone for two weeks, it takes like a week to just unwind, and then a week to actually enjoy yourself on the trip. Whereas like in America, and the mean, sort of says that it's like, I'm so sorry, I had an emergency dentist appointment. But I will get back to you within the next 20 minutes. It's like, it's like, it's the thought that like, you can't actually focus on the personal element that is that you're currently dealing with that you have to always be connected to your work. So I mean, it's, some people will say, Well, you know, the place that I work, that's just like, I have to always be available. I have to and I, I tend to disagree with that. Because I do believe we just I do feel I do. Yeah, I do feel like if you create the the the precedent that you will respond to an email at one o'clock in the morning, or that you can get something some to somebody at any point of the day, then you're sort of there's sort of a sort of build that expectation among your stakeholders. And then when you don't do it, then it's sort of like, well, what's going on, like you normally do these things? If you have, and maybe you are willing to do that there was definitely a time in my life where if I knew the answer at 10:30pm, I'm happy to respond because it is easy. And I'm, and I'm satisfying the need of someone who you know, I work with and whatnot. But I think it's you have to understand what the impact that that's having on other people and the kind of the sentiment and the precedent that you're setting. So if that's something that you don't want, and you do have hard boundaries, setting those boundaries, and making sure it's very clear ahead of time, is the only way that you'll actually have success kind of managing through that, oh, it's
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 53:08
so good. And Mark worked in corporate for most of his life, you only, I mean, still technically you're you work for a corporation, but you have more control over your schedule it in the role that you're in as head of business development, whereas before you you had less control over your schedule. And even when you had less control over your schedule, you held the tension to make sure that whatever priorities needed to be managed, did like there was a time when we were first dating, where Mark would offer to help me out with Calvin, so that I could have a client call when I didn't really have too much support. I didn't have steady childcare. And I'd be like, how are you going to do that with your workday, and he would be like, I'll manage through and maybe on those days, he did stay a little bit later and work in the evening on a project or in the morning or work through lunch in order to accommodate that. And we both do that there are certain days where I do stretch my typical work hours in order to make sure that, oh, I can accommodate this, this thing that we're doing on Friday, I've probably this weekend will take some time to do a little bit of work, because on Friday, we're watching my nephew on Thursday, we're watching my nephew. And so we're gonna flex that around and but we're just clear that it's not at the expense of ourselves. And it's, it's not from a victim place, right? We're establishing those time boundaries, and then we're holding ourselves and each other accountable to the boundary. So if for example, I say, Okay, if we're going to bounce Mario back and forth, I need to make sure that I'm getting these results done. Now, if I let Mark interrupt me multiple times throughout the day, or if he goes to work out and I don't say Hey, babe, actually I need to get the work done right now. Can you work out later? Or can I'm sorry, I really need your help. It would be great if if we didn't if you didn't work out today. And if I didn't ask for that, in that moment, I didn't give him the opportunity to, like, work around. And I'm just assuming, and then later when I get mad, and I say, like, Oh, I didn't get this done. He's gonna say to me, Well, you didn't ask for all of that. Or why did you let me continue to show you all these means? Or why did you choose to do that. And if you are operating from a people pleasing plays with your time, you are the only person that is responsible for that. So you really cannot play the blame game, it you're always responsible for asking for and for making sure that it shows up. And even if you ask and the other person can't do it, then you know that you need to go elsewhere, you need to find childcare elsewhere, you need to find, you know, a team or an assistant person or you need to make a hire, maybe it's time to do that. Whatever it is, it is so important. I think this tip number six is so important to establish those time boundaries and hold each other accountable, which will make it for a much more enjoyable experience, both to be in your work and to be with each other. So like I said, Time management is a work in progress, I really hope that you know that we're not perfect at this. And we are still experimenting. And as new phases of your life come up, whether that's getting a new job or having a new baby like we have right now, with my being so little, we're still figuring it out. I hope after listening to this episode, that you don't feel alone, that you feel like you're willing to be imperfect, because this requires, you know, some failure collection, and that you're willing to be honest with each other and with yourself about what you need, about what needs to get done. And by when I hope you feel abundant, like there is plenty of time. And I hope like you feel that this podcast, amongst other things, other tools and your self, your own brain help you to feel resourceful, not that you're just full of resources, but that you are resourceful. You can access and tap into whatever you need to get everything that you want to have done. Do you have anything else that you want to add before we leave these fine people?
Mark Uyeno 57:35
Again, I think the ultimate thing and we've kind of touched upon it a lot throughout this and in previous ones is just communicate communication is the key. have those conversations, have them when you think they may be challenging and difficult have the timely conversations because ultimately that'll lead to the result you're looking for. So I think that's the key to any any happy and successful relationship.
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 57:58
Yes. So yes, we believe that you can have at all that you can have a successful business and a big life without missing out on time with your partner and or without needing your partner to change in order to get it all done. Thank you Mark for coming on the show. Yeah. All right, you guys. We'll see you later. Have a beautiful weekend.
Mark Uyeno 58:18
Jessica McKinley Uyeno 58:20
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