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194. Olympian Meets Life Coach: Conquering Fear

Updated: Mar 7

Get ready for an exhilarating chat between Jess and an Olympian athlete, Kristi Wagner! They delve deep into the world of confidence, exploring the nuances between self-confidence and baseline confidence. From unraveling the secrets of effective self-talk to conquering the fear of failure, navigating life's twists, and embracing the game-changing 50/50 mindset – this episode has it all.

Tune in to discover practical insights on tackling ambitious goals effortlessly. Jess and Kristi bring authenticity with a laid-back and honest conversation that radiates positive vibes, especially when confronting the fear of failure. Get cozy and absorb the wisdom. This unfiltered and sincere chat is guaranteed to elevate your confidence and transform your perspective on life!

Book your Prospective Client Breakthrough Session with Jess HERE.

Check out Kristi's Podcast - The Other 3 Years

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*This Transcript is Autogenerated*

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 0:00

People are like, hey, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a life coach. And I let it hang there. Because I am just so clear and confident in what that means to me. Usually people are like, oh, like, what is that? And I'm like, well, and usually depending on the questions that I'm asking them, the answer is a little bit different. Because to be truthful, everybody that I work with has completely different goals. And that's okay. Welcome to sincerely future you a podcast that helps ambitious women like you make decisions today with the future you in mind. I love having conversations with women who are pursuing big lives. That's really the only filter that I use for any of the guests that I bring on. But a big life and a big business. I know that that means something different to everyone. Even though I think we can all agree that it's internationally accepted that Olympians are in that big life category, am I right? They're in pursuit of world class excellence. And that's why I wanted to bring you this chat with Olympian Christy Wagner, we talk candidly about all my favorite things, self confidence versus confidence, failure, negative emotion, why we choose to go towards negative emotion, pursuing a big future, and then also managing other people's thoughts and feelings about us and what we're doing to pursue it. In this episode, you're going to learn how to tackle those big scary goals without breaking a sweat. Or actually, in Christy's case, she sweats a lot. So I don't know about that. But the two of us keep it real with a laid back and honest conversation. This is not traditional interview style. We both wanted to use this and share it with our audience because we think that life coaches and Olympians we are on the same page about what the purpose of humanity is. It's about evolving. It's about showing yourself what's frickin possible, right? So, if you are into this honest conversation style, you're gonna love this episode. It's all positive vibes, especially when we're facing fear of failure. Get comfy, while you learn how to get uncomfy and listen up to today's episode. But before we dive in, I have to shout out my client Humana, he meant it is a one on one client of mine. And we're coming to the end of our six months together. And so today was our second to last session as I'm recording this. And it was an actual tear jerker, the two of us teared up and cried a handful of times just talking about her transformation over the last six months. When she came to me. She wanted to shake shit up, for lack of a better term, she wanted a life that felt bigger, she didn't necessarily want to up end anything in her life, she had a lot going for her a career that was pretty, you know, with a prestigious organization she had, she has a family, she has a lot of the parts of her life that she wanted. And yet, she was feeling kind of apathetic. And she wanted the emotions internally to align with the circumstances of her life. And so we got to work one on one coaching is not just about making more money and having more time. It's for people who want to make history with their life who want to level up in such a holistic way look at every area of their life and take radical responsibility for their emotional experience. She said today, I've been reflecting a lot on the last year and it's crazy how different I feel happier, calmer, and control of my career and my relationships, a more present parent. She said, even her brother in law noticed who doesn't typically notice things like this, he said, he made a you look really great. And not just like weight loss, like there's something actually different about you. And she said, it was kind of shocking to her to hear this and it like jolted her out of her reality to notice that her normal today was not her normal six months ago, and in the beginning of this journey, it can feel like only you can see the difference and eventually the changes that you make in your brain change your literal reality. So I'm just so proud of her for for pursuing all areas of her life not not just the ones that on paper we see are like, yeah, like we should have the house and we should have the you know all of those things but pursuing her health and her relationships and her career in what I defined to be a big way. So congrats. I love watching you get going, and I know that you've caught the bug now, so it's only the beginning. All right, y'all, it's time to get hope. I don't know why only on the podcast I say y'all in my real life. I'm a New Yorker. I say that you guys, but I'm like hype says y'all. Like, I don't know where I'm from. But I'm hype. Okay. Do you guys know what an upper limit is? If you're a listener of this podcast, you might have stumbled across the book, The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. It is a book that elaborates on this psychology concept. I'm not talking about the upper limit. In math, which is about sequences or some shit, I don't care about that. No, in psychology, it's the idea that we literally have a tolerance cap for how much happiness, we allow ourselves, kind of like a thermostat. And this is the case not just for our happiness, but for our finances, too, for our relationships for how much love we are willing to receive, right? There are so many cliches about this one concept of an upper limit, where we have normalized what we feel comfortable receiving. So this full philosophy, it backs up the idea that often what we're seeking, subconsciously in life is not actually happiness, it's comfort. And for me, this is a big problem, because comfort is the enemy of our big life. In fact, discomfort is the currency of our dreams. So if you are unaware of this concept, you're welcome psychology concepts, just constantly blowing my mind left and right. But the upper limit is something to take note of, because it's time to kind of categorize in your life, what are the what are the facets of your big life? Is it money, parenting, health relationships? You know, what, what are those categories are the subsets of your big life? And what is your current limit? Right now? What is the current amount of money that feels safe and acceptable? And you wouldn't bat an eye? In your bank account? Maybe there's a range for these things? What is the amount of arguing that you would find normal without making it mean that you should see a therapist or something? What is the normal number of times that you elevate your heart rate in a workout a week? Or a month? Or a year? And is that the same in your future? The answer should be no. Right? In our big life, the only constant is change. And when we're able to get on board with that concept, we can understand that our upper limit is not fixed. It's fixed until we get conscious. And then we can shift it and then we can elevate it and move it and question it and ask better questions. Okay, you guys, be aware of what your upper limit is today. And I know that as you're listening to this episode with Christie, who is pursuing big things, she is thinking about her upper limit in terms of her time. Oh, what time do I feel like is normal for me is good for me. And then once I get that, all right, on to the next, all of that to say that we don't just on to the next without reflecting Christy and I talk about that as well. Your upper limit is just one part of pursuing a big life. Other parts are reflecting, celebrating, resting being present. You have upper limits there to take a look at a microscope out and let's freakin go enjoy this episode. I'm Jess, life and business coach, what I share in common with you is that I am always in pursuit of excellence in something. Right? Just like that is the thing that makes it all worth it. Right? When you have a specific goal by when I

Kristi Wagner 9:25

feel like I have just done one thing for a really long time. And people seem to find it impressive, because it like it has a flashy title. But it's so funny because really the essence of the podcast, right is that it's an unglamorous way towards a glamorous sort of goal. You know, I totally, but it's so funny when I like talk to someone like you. I'm like, no, what you're, that's amazing. I wish that I could constantly have goals and be doing all this cool stuff, but instead I just have one goal. I'm super excited to be having conversation with you and I have listened to a few of your episodes. How did you get into being a life coach?

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 10:09

I think that the it's so funny, I was talking to my mom about this the other day, because on my show, I'm about to record a podcast of like this Rob conversation with my family talking about what it was like for them when I told them like, Listen, I'm going all in on being a life coach. And they were like, This is made up what is a life coach. And it's, it's funny, because even I had a similar reaction to it, I think the industry of life coaching is still fairly new. And it's such an umbrella term for a lot of different types of ways to work with someone. And for me, what my experience was how I kind of fell into it was that I was a fitness coach. And I was also writing a book on happiness experiments. And I had a blog that was putting out these happiness experiments. And at the same time, I was motivating people to hit their goals in their health and fitness. And I think people were a little bit confused. They were like, What do you charge for your life coaching? I'm so motivated by your social media. And I was like, what is the life coach? I also didn't really know what it was. And so finally, I think it was about the third or fourth person that asked me that. I just Googled it. I was like, what is the life coach? What is the life coach charge? And I was like, Cool. Yeah. So what I talked to the girl, obviously, about her goals and what it was that she was looking for. And I was like, that's absolutely what I do. I just am not getting paid for it. And turns out, I said, okay, cool. She's like, send me your contract. I'm like, looking to switch from a therapist to a life coach. And I was like, okay, great, wrote up a contract and 24 hours, the next day talking to a different friend being like, hey, yeah, she's like, catching up. What are you up to? I was like, I'm actually life coaching now. And she was like, that's amazing. That's so funny. I was thinking about switching from a therapist or life coach, can you send me your contract, and I was like, I can. And I sent her over my contract. And that girl booked and the first girl that prompted me to officially decide to be a life coach didn't end up signing on. And it just goes to show you need to treat your business like a business before it's a business. But yeah, I think that, you know, now it's been what that was 2015 I believe. So I think eight years ago, since then, I have worked with different niches. And now I'm coaching women, entrepreneurs, and I have gotten certified. And I've just worked with hundreds of people and kind of figured out a way to help people reverse engineer their goals. If someone who is exciting. And they're like, I have this cool goal, like I want to be an Olympian, I'd be like, yes, Sign me up. I want to be a part of this girl's journey. And that has been cool. And it's, it's led me to meet some really incredibly inspiring women that are just doing things that you don't see your average everyday person doing. That's really

Kristi Wagner 13:23

cool. If I'm being honest, I didn't super know what a life coach was. And I think that it's one of those things that we should have workshopped the name. Totally, just as a, as a as, right.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 13:41

In the beginning, I used to have a lot of like, thoughts and caveats about it. And that would leak into my marketing. And it was very confusing, right? Like, I was confused. So I would explain a lot and I would come across confused. Now I just love it. I'm like, people are like, hey, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a life coach. And I let it hang there. Because I am just so clear and confident in what that means to me. Usually people are like, oh, like, what is that? And I'm like, well, and usually depending on the questions that I'm asking them, the answer is a little bit different. Because to be truthful, it's not. It's everybody that I work with has completely different goals. And that's okay. We can focus on relationships and on you know, your positive self talk and on your relationship with money, or we can talk about your relationship with time and goal setting or reverse engineering it. And now that I am working with, like, just my essential offer as a life coach is hey, I want to work with ambitious, smart, badass women who want to live a big life and do things that they don't see out there in the world. And those people find me and We just take a take a journey together. So I am allowing it to be vague. Now, once you really get competency, you understand that this, this works, there is more science to it than just someone giving you advice. I actually don't give my clients that much advice, really, I just show them their own thoughts and how they're getting in the way of achieving their own goals.

Kristi Wagner 15:23

I just am so impressed with like, your confidence. And you're like, Yeah, I just have a lot of confidence in what I do. And so I can talk about it really confidently, which is amazing. But like, how do you feel like you got there? Because I feel like it's one thing to I don't know, people tell me all the time that I'm confident. And I'm like, that's funny. I don't think I am that confident. But it's funny that you're telling me that I'm caught? Do you know?

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 15:49

I mean, right. Like the perception, I think that we might be even talking about two different things. There's self confidence, and then there's confidence. So confidence is a skill that you develop from practice, right? It's probably the thing that you have, like, you're like, Okay, I have confidence in my skill and my ability of the field that you're in, right in the Olympics, you're like, I know, because I put in the reps, I just keep doing it time after time. And I have proven to myself that I can be successful, and your brain has evidence and has a proven track record of your own growth of what's possible for you. And then you can take that compound it and see how you could be successful in the future, like action and more practice begets confidence. Now Self confidence is I think what you're referring to right now, which is this belief in a future and a possibility, with zero evidence that it's possible. It's just like, Yes,

Kristi Wagner 16:56

that's what I'm doing.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 16:57

If you were to say like, oh, I have the speaking opportunity Friday, do you want to do it? And I'd be like, Yeah, let's go. Because my self confident thoughts in my brain are deep identity, thoughts of like, I'm a person who can figure things out. I am someone who has value to offer the world. It's like this belief that like, Oh, when I speak, it's going to be great. It's a decision that we make about the future, with no evidence. It's kind of like who, who gave you the right? Nobody, you have to decide to be self confidence, a decision. And I think, for my clients, right, we talk about one of the main skills that helps people have success in the future, is becoming an advanced decision maker, where you're just making decisions about your future, instead of looking for evidence to decide if you can or cannot do something.

Kristi Wagner 17:57

I mean, I feel like that's probably much easier said than done. But it's,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 18:01

yeah, it's also something you gotta practice, right. But I think what's cool is that, if you've done it in the you have, I'm sure done it in some area of your life already. Can you think of an example in your own life where you really had no reasonably if you could do something, but you just went after it anyway?

Kristi Wagner 18:21

Um, yes, going to an Ivy League school, who I love, that is a great example. But I also think that, I don't know, I feel like then there's also a line between, like, confidence and like cockiness. And I think that in, and this could also be like, a sort of sports specific thing. But I think that sometimes you see people that get too confident to what I would call cocky, which also was probably not a great word to be using, but like, No, I think like,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 18:56

I think we know what you're talking about. Right? Like, and

Kristi Wagner 18:59

yeah, and then you stop working hard. Like, I think that the thing about confidence and sort of believing in a reality that has yet to come is also understanding that just thinking, Oh, would be great, if this happens, isn't going to make it happen. Totally like, and I think that just finding that line is like, sort of what the important thing is, yeah, being able to think I can achieve something that I've yet to achieve and I have the confidence in myself to go after that goal is great, as long as you then back it up with you know, the work that it's going to take like my I have a super judgy pet peeve, but people will like sort of what's a really PC to a to say this. Not at the level yet. Elite rowers will like write on their Instagram bio, a Olympic hopeful and I'm like, Yes, you are an Olympic Pull. But you're like doing this for clickbait. You know, like you're saying something and you're using this term of like Olympic whatever to I don't know quote unquote impress people maybe like I'm not really

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 20:15

sure interesting conversation I mean I do you think that there is a clear delineation between self confident and arrogant and I think one of the main areas one of the main yeah cocky arrogant same thing though and one of the one of the main delineations I make is that arrogance and cockiness a little bit has to do with your belief that you are better than other people. Versus self confidence really just has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. And it's like, oh, I'm the best. And we're all capable of being the best. It's, it's this general per pursuit of excellence against yourself. And of course, right in, especially in terms of something like the Olympics, like, there is a team, you're either going to make it or you're not. So there is obviously that line of comparing yourself and in, but it's not really comparing yourself to others, right? It's comparing your time to the time that's needed for you. And using the language to help yourself stay in your lane is so key when you get to those like high high levels, because otherwise, it's really easy to put yourself down. So the Olympic hopeful thing, it's like, I'd be like, Oh, it's so interesting to me. Because there's in life coaching, like I said, it's unregulated. So people can say whatever they want about themselves, who could be like, Oh, I'm certified XYZ, and there are certifications in life coaching, that costs like $50. And literally, you take like a 10 question quiz. And you're you can be like stamp, I'm certified. And the certification program that I went through, was a year long. And it was $18,000. It was like college. I mean, I had to go through tests, I failed, I had to have real clients and real feedback. And that's not even necessary. I actually had lots of clients before that. But the point is, is that like I see other people out there saying their life coach, and because I'm just really not concerned about their like, how they're describing themselves. I'm like, the results will show at the end.

Kristi Wagner 22:29

Oh, 100% 100%. Yeah. And I think at the end of the day, like focusing so much on what other people are doing is obviously not, I'd be like, helpful.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 22:41

Everyone put a Olympic hopeful if you want to be hopeful, even if you never make it, I just think it's so cool to like, like you said, like, have that put the eye on the prize, have a prize. But at the end of the day, there's so many people that are telling me to like, I want to be a million dollar earner. And I look at the work that some people are putting in and I'm like, I just don't believe you.

Kristi Wagner 23:02

That's the thing. I think that it's really interesting, because people say like, this is my goal, or this is what I want to do, or you know, whatever. And it's funny, because I think for me, it was really hard to say, I want to go to the LM why, like, I think because I just didn't see myself there. To me, it was this thing that other people could accomplish. But I wasn't at that level. So you're afraid if you said it, then what? Then I would fail. And then what? I don't know. It wasn't so much that I couldn't say it. I just couldn't like see it. You know how you're saying, like, you construct, like, literally the first time I met with my sports Psych. I go in his office, and he's like, All right, let's close our eyes. I'm like, oh, no, I'm this is bad for me. No, I actually. No, actually, I like love him. And I, I had to call them today. But and this was many years ago. So we close our eyes. And he's like, Okay, I want you to envision yourself at the Olympics on the podium. Like they're playing the national anthem, and you just won a gold medal. And I started laughing. I'm like, Dude, I can't, I can't I could envision I could see the scene. And I could see other people there. But I can't envision I couldn't at the time, envision me being there in that way you can. Now I can, but I also understand the work that it's going to take to get there. I don't just think Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, that that sounds fun. Whatever. I'm like no, I 100% understand the commitment, the work, the lifestyle, the everything that it's going to take to achieve that. And I think for me, it's interesting because my Coach a month or two ago was like, You know what's weird in life we spend a lot of time constructing in our minds like worst case scenarios, like we imagine bad scenarios. And then as soon as we sort of daydream and imagine good scenarios, we try to like stop ourselves from thinking that he's like, but why can't we Daydream good scenarios like that, and that we should allow ourselves

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 25:25

that was why I kept asking you and why and what then? And you didn't answer the last one? Because usually the answer to that last question of like, and then if you fail, then what? The answer to that question is why we don't have eyes why we don't daydream about the positive. It's because of some thing that if we say it out loud, it'll actually probably sound stupid. But in our head, it feels really real, which is either some version of if I say it out loud, and then I fail, everyone will see me as a failure versus if I don't say it out loud. And I'm failing only I will see me as a failure. And that won't be as bad.

Kristi Wagner 26:08

No, I mean, I think 100% I think that it's scary, especially like, now. And as an athlete, when I fail, it's very evident. It's posted on the internet. Yeah. Like, if I have a bad day at work. Everyone knows. It's not like just my boss knew that I messed up. And I could go and have a quick bath and cry. And nobody knows. Like, no, no. Everyone knows. And there's articles about it. And people that I don't know, talk about early and can judge. I'm not saying that they are maybe they're not I don't know, but like, but they can. And yes, and other people can tell me, either that they think I did a good job or that they think like, I've chosen a path that puts my work, quote, unquote, and like my success or my achievement on just a platter for anyone to pick up and talk about for discussion and so up for discussion. And so like, we whatever, we have a big race in the fall the head of the Charles, like, I went to college at Boston sun and all of it that race. Yeah, the head of the Charles. I mean, I didn't do horribly, but I did not do well. Plenty of people are like, Yes, you did. And I'm like, Whoa, I don't need you to tell me. I know, I know that I didn't do a good job. I didn't just say that. I didn't do a good job. Because I wanted you to make me feel better. I don't need to feel better, I'm fine. But it's also not my job to make you feel. You know what I mean?

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 27:46

Like, I think this is this is so important. And I think it's gonna be even more important as you get closer to the Olympics, because we need to go all the way to the place where we are like, What is my relationship with other people thinking and feeling and talking about me? And I feel like what most people who've never worked with a life coach, think about this as like, Oh, my options are to just like completely ignore it. And like put up my defenses and whatever just like binary lol I can't hear you. Or I need to like toxic positivity it and be like, I know, it's okay, I'll do better next time, blah, blah, blah. Or I can be a bitch like, those are my three options, right? And there is a fourth option and that option to me. So I used to be a singer. So I know a little bit about what you're talking about. Like I would do either a competition I was an acapella singer, but I was in do you know that show the sing off or the group? Pentatonix? Yes, yes. The show that made Pentatonix famous. It was the called the Sing Off. And that same year, my group was like in the running, they took 16 groups we were in the top 20 We didn't end up making it on the show, right? But like the acapella community is pretty small. I knew all the people write it it was like There were articles totally their articles you could YouTube by name and there's going to be like some sort of like horrible like video of why in the mix, right? And now as a business owner, I realized that I need to get my mind right if regularly I need to self motivate because it's not just related to my self esteem. It's related to my money, my clients results, right because like if my mind is not right, it's difficult for me to do my job, right. It's like related to everything. And the fourth option, when other people when you're you're up for discussion, if we're going to use that term is to make room for people to be confused. And that is like The most neutral and healing way that I've found to approach it, it's like, hey, for example, I sent out an email this morning to my subscribers. And I chose to share something that had a curse in it, right? Like the F bomb, right? I was like, do I change into frickin but I was like, it's just not as funny as like, This is who I am. Like, I'm irreverent. I think that it'll land better. It was like a tough love moment. And I posted it, and I had more unsubscribers than I've ever had, right? And my brain immediately like ours always do when there's any sort of negative circumstance on the outside wants to go like, Oh, my God, you should have done it differently. Or like, this is just like so bad. What are they thinking and like, your brain gives you all the examples of what they might have been thinking before they clicked the unsubscribe button, versus me deciding always in any situation to have my back and be like, there's going to be failures along the way. And also, I am so okay with other people being confused about me. And I'm just wondering, like, if along your journey, if you have examples of a thought that you think other people are having about you, when you have a day, like a time like you had at the head of the Charles, like, what is the thought that you think that people are having?

Kristi Wagner 31:22

I don't know if people are like, judging as much as like, I mean, I think that I'm one of my heart. I am probably my harshest critic. Ah, there. I think it's more that people don't have all the background info, like I agree with you totally. You like,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 31:40

yeah, people don't have background info. And yeah,

Kristi Wagner 31:43

who cares what people are thinking. But it's more that it's not the no name people that I really care about. It's more like my sort of friends or family or whatever. One example

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 31:56

of a specific person and a specific thought, because if you don't give me an example is this is not going to, it's not going to work. I won't land. I feel

Kristi Wagner 32:04

like Christine talked to me about the head of the Trump house and was like You did great. And I was like, No, I didn't, which is not like she did nothing wrong. She was very nice in what she said. And she probably did think I did great. But it's also like, okay, for me to be like, No, I didn't. Do you know what? Hey, like, Yes, both are okay, like, she didn't do anything wrong to her. I probably didn't do such an

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 32:29

interesting example. Right. So in this case, actually, for your pursuit of excellence, your thought is that people are going to be confused about the fact that I have done well, when this is not the standard that I have for myself. And they don't know the background, maybe of like what you've deemed to be good or not. And is that okay? Is that not problem like for just recently, I had someone kind of make an offhand comment about like, oh, like, you know, about my life being really Charmed, which it is, it is really Charmed, right. But they do not have the background story to know that I was once a single mom that had no money in my bank account. And now that's just not my reality. So they see my current reality, they don't have the background, but I no longer feel the need to help unconfuse everyone because I'm okay with making room for everyone to be confused. Because the eye is on the prize, right? Like, feel Olympics, they're there. I know, along the way, I'm gonna be too big, to be able to have the conversation with everyone who's confused. And you're gonna be at that point where there's gonna be so many eyeballs on your times, that some people are like, Oh, this girl like, and they're gonna have thoughts, and they're gonna be so confused. And you get to be like, that's part of playing big. Yeah,

Kristi Wagner 33:59

is making room for it. Yeah, I think you're right. And I think that it's like, in any arena of life or whatever, you have no idea what somebody else's like, quote, unquote, game plan is like, we all sort of lightly judge I don't know, like others, right? Because we're obviously doing like what we think is best. And so you know, whatever. If other people aren't doing that same thing, or like living their life that way. It's sort of I'm doing this because I think this is best, obviously. They're also obviously doing what they think is best.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 34:36

Right? It's like, for example, if you're ever having a conversation with someone who just isn't interested in a big life, it can be just so jarring. Like, sometimes when I talk about in life coaching like one of the principles that I teach is that you can't escape the emotional 5050 that a sense Usually the human experience, you will always experience 50% positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. So then people usually follow it up with, well, if that's true, then what's the point? Like? What's the point in trying to do better like trying to like, achieve these goals? If you're saying, when I get to my goal of making 100k? Or like when you get to the goal of being an Olympian, like a metal Olympian, you're not going to feel better, like what is the point. And what I say is that the 5050, while it is that ratio, the flavors of what's in the negative and what's in the positive are very different depending on if you're pursuing a big life, or if you prefer, like a comfy cozy life. And to me, like a comfy cozy life looks like you're choosing all of the positive emotions on the front end and reaping the negative emotions. So it's like you choose instant gratification, ease, comfort, you know, pleasure. And then on the back end, you are experiencing slow to no growth, maybe some regret, maybe some shame, you know, the results that are not high level, right. And then the flip side of pursuing a big life looks like you choosing the negative emotion actually, first. So you're in training, you're choosing challenge and struggle and sacrifice and, you know, fear and judgment, instead of your choosing, like to put yourself in all of those so that you can reap the rewards of the positive emotions that are like pride and deep meaning and purpose and true joy and those types of positive emotions. To me, that's the coin that I choose any day. But there isn't a wrong answer. Like it's still all 5050 It's just the human experience.

Kristi Wagner 36:54

Yeah. And I also think that like, I mean, it's so hard to explain to people that you feel like I tried to equate it to whatever turning 21 I'm like, you turned 21, you play it up in your brain, like, it's gonna be this big day, or 18, or whatever it is, then it happens. And you're like, I'm still the same. But now, I can legally drink alcohol or, you know, whatever, I can vote. And I feel like it was the same thing. Obviously, few things change, but overall, your baseline the same person, like, if you have a really big goal, and you accomplish it, I think I thought my life was gonna change. And it just

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 37:33

did, I thought, like, when I hit multiple, six figures, that I was going to emotionally kind of feel like, I made it life is easy, all confidence, always my clients just love me. And just like, everything is easier, and whatever. And problems are forever the emotional 5050 is still there, right? You get to that goal. And then your thoughts are okay, well, I mean, I don't know what your thoughts are, right. But you're still going to have human thoughts that create the same thing of challenge and struggle and sacrifice and disappointment and fear and worry, and all of those things still get there. So if that's going to be the case, it really gets back to that cliche of like, is about the journey. And to me, the point is to evolve as a human, like my show, my podcast is about becoming the future version of yourself. It's called sincerely future you and it's like, who am I becoming? And in the process of that, you're just blowing your mind, you're like, wow, I just did something that I didn't think was possible. I just developed a habit that I never thought I could have. And that is the point. So even whether you get the goal, or you, you know, are on the podium or not. Pursuing the big thing is the value.

Kristi Wagner 39:01

When I made the Olympic team in 2021, I feel like a lot of people were like, Oh, well, it was worth it. The training was worth it. It was all worth it. And in a lot of ways, yeah, they were right. Like, I achieved the goal that I had set for myself, which is very exciting. But at the same time, like, I think it would have been worth it no matter what, like I've learned a lot about myself. I've lived a life that not a lot of like my 20s was insane in every aspect of the word like I've gotten to travel and do things and I've learned how to have no money and like, I've worked unglamorous jobs I you know, I don't know there's like a lot of things that I'm very grateful to have had to experience and but to bring it back. I think a lot of people are like, well, what if you don't achieve this goal or like Would it not be worth it? Well, the flip side is not even trying. That's why Right, that's so much worse. And I think that's just you're either a person that thinks that's worse, or, and that I think is the like, either you're a comfort creature, or you're a big lead. And it's so funny because I feel like I have described myself as like wanting a big life. And people are like, what does that mean? And I'm like, I don't know, maybe you want to know,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 40:25

right? Like, it changes and it morphs probably what it means. And like, totally, like mine has over time. At one point, having a big life to me meant living in Spain and Peru, and speaking fluent Spanish and learning that and traveling and being a singer, and just like not having a desk job, and then my big life met, becoming a mom and having another greater purpose outside of it. And it became changing the community the impact, but like, to me anything that felt like I was pursuing something with no evidence to support that I could do it. That lights you the freak up, right? I mean, yeah, and I love what you said that the what people will say is like, alright, well, the alternative to going all in and failing, is actually choosing to fail in advance by not

Kristi Wagner 41:21

pursuing Yes, at all. Yes,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 41:24

if you don't have the thing.

Kristi Wagner 41:28

Exactly. I'm like, and it's fine. Like, that's just a decision, which is totally fine. You know, but like, it's

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 41:36

fine for them. But it's not fine for anyone that wants a big life. And I think that that is something we need to say it out loud. Because the daydreaming when you ask, like why? Why are people not wanting to daydream about the positive things, it's that exact thing, because they're scared if they daydream, and they think about it, and they admit to themselves that they want it. And then they don't get it, they're gonna feel pain. And the truth is, they are, because that is the 5050 version. Also, that's the price you pay for experiencing the incredible emotion that it is to visualize yourself on the podium, because I get to indulge in and people like, oh, like, how do you have this competence to whatever I'm like, I daydream all day about my future self and how awesome her life is, and all the things right. And then some of those things I have now, but I had to go through some pain to get them. And it's worth it to me, I said, I'm willing to feel whatever it takes to have my dream life. But if you're not willing to feel negative emotion, it's gonna be very difficult to get much more than you have right now.

Kristi Wagner 42:49

Yes. And I think that you just have to be aware in life that not every day, like, I totally agree with the like, 5050 Emotions thing. And actually, there's this Olympic runner that wrote a book that was great. It was called gravy, about her journey to the Olympics, she had this rule of like, in training, you have like, a rule of thirds is what she called it. So like, a third of the time, things are like really good, a third of the time, they're like, fine, and a third of the time, they're bad. And so as long as you're not teetering, like if it's really great all the time in training, you're probably not pushing, right? Yes. If it's all mediocre, and you're not having any highs or any lows, that's also like, are you fulfilled, you know, whatever. And if it's really crappy all the time, you need to look at what you're doing active. Yeah, you need some perspective. But I think like as a, you know, as a team and as, as like an individual athlete, we've talked a lot about that. And it's been helpful, because I think, as you like ebb and flow through life, and like, my life is rowing right now, you have to be aware of when you're falling into a different category, or if the thirds are becoming imbalanced, so that you can reset and be in equilibrium. Yeah. And that's to like, expect the bad days but not have a whole week a bad days, realize that something's gotta give and you need to maybe prioritize, quote, unquote, real life, like a little bit more. And so I think it's just being aware. Yeah,

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 44:23

and I think that even the next level of being aware is then also like, not making the negative emotion days mean anything about the goal, right, not making the positive emotion days necessarily mean anything about the goal, right? And I watch that with my clients who are business owners, the ones that I have to do some deep coaching with in the beginning are the ones that are like riding that emotional roller coaster or the entrepreneurial roller roller coaster, in our case where they're like, cool, I just made $10,000 This month, like I'm having an awesome month. And they're like, equating that result to, they're having the results create their feelings, instead of their belief in the inevitability of their goals, create their feelings, like that's actually what it is. And if you have strong belief in the goal no matter what, then it really doesn't matter when you're having a higher low, you're just like, oh, that's just part of it, you can get more neutral about it. And that's where you're going to have more success. When you can, like, live in that neutral zone, you're like, Yeah, it's like when you see a really top top athlete, have a win or like, make a sick play. And they just like, dropped the ball on their like, next, they are not being like, I'm the best because I just You see that play. It's not about one play. Of course, I'm going to make great plays, I believe in myself. And then when they drop the ball, and they have some horrible thing, they're like, get back up. That's what we do. We fail. We eat failure for breakfast. On to the next right. And when you have that deep belief in the further further goal, then you just get to decide your emotional state. And the ups and downs. Yes, well, you can feel the disappointment. The disappointment, isn't that bad. And it doesn't last that long, because you're not making it mean? Well, obviously, I'm never going to hit my goal. It's so

Kristi Wagner 46:23

funny. I was literally talking to one of my teammates today about this kind of and because another one of our teammates said something to me, like, Oh, you didn't even seem you know, whatever, happy or excited about this workout, or this race or whatever. And I'm like, first of all, I was I was happy I had a goal, I achieved it. Or I had a really good workout. Like, I was proud of myself. That I was saying to Katie, my teammates today, like, what was I gonna do? It was just a workout. And it was hard. So I was tired. I was like, gonna, like Get Up and Scream louder. Be would have been weird, right?

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 46:56

It's like, okay, cool. Like, this is how I celebrate onto the next day. Like, I truly if we're talking about like, I don't know, who's your who's your role model athlete, like the person you think about in your head who's like, you're like, I want to be like her. Preferably a woman. Let's get a woman. I'm always like, my brain is like Michael Jordan, but like, I want to,

Speaker 1 47:15

we have so many men out there. That as the example.

Kristi Wagner 47:20

I mean, I obviously think Serena Williams is just like Serena icon icon.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 47:24

Love it. Serena Williams. So do you think that if someone was like Serena, you didn't even celebrate that win? Like, doesn't even give it the time of day? It's like, Yeah, this is our next question. Yeah. Right. It's like letting just that calm. And that like maturity of letting everybody's thoughts and opinions about how we celebrate or are disappointed, be like, yeah,

Kristi Wagner 47:51

nice. But I will say that. So like, last year, in 2022, I raced at the World Championships, it did not go as well as I wanted it to go. And, you know, when the last race of your season doesn't go the way you want it to go, you're really sitting in that for a long time. It's tough this year at the World Championships, like we finished on the podium, which is very exciting. But I and I feel like I was excited. But a lot of me was like, well, it could have been better, we were almost in second, we didn't have the best race. And like, there are new goals ahead. Like we can't really sit in this, you know what you're saying, like, it's just one goal along the way, and we need to like move through. And then I sort of had take myself back a step and be like, this was a big goal that I had for my not even a goal of anybody else's, this was a goal I had for myself, and I accomplished it. And I need to reflect on that. And like let that soak into me. Otherwise, sort of what is the point of

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 48:59

such a good point, and I know like an another way to phrase it is like when you believe so deeply in that end goal. Then everything along the way you can use all of those circumstances to your advantage. So when you when you can celebrate the hell out of it. And then when you lose, you can be like it's not that big of a deal. Because you're like this is all just a game and it's made up and the finish line is made up. I made up my goal. And I can do a dance party for signing on client and I can also be like, like I debt totally messed that up today. I'll do better next time. And you could just use it to your advantage right to celebrate.

Kristi Wagner 49:46

No, totally, totally. I also I also think all the time about this, like whatever paragraph I read in a book once about basketball players if they're missing a bunch of shots like really successful players. will think, Okay, well, statistically, I'm going to start making them soon. Oh, I love it that if they're making, if they're making all their shots, they're like, statistically, I'm gonna keep making my shot. You just have to frame your life or what you're doing or whatever, as, no matter what it's coming up bases for me like, and I do that with like wind in rowing, it's like a windy day, I'm like, Ooh, this is prime conditions for me, you know. And I just think you have to, like, somehow cycle your brain to make things into maybe a good scenario for you. But just like a scenario where you're imagining a future that is godly, like you said, it's all

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 50:42

rooted, I did all that it's not like a good thought or a bad thought. It's or a positive thought or a negative that it's a useful thought I

Kristi Wagner 50:51

could talk to you forever, but I feel like we've

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 50:55

lost do another episode. But this is so fun. I just think it's so cool, that you're pursuing something so big. Like, I always just think sometimes I have so many goals. And I'm like, part of pursuing something big is that skill of constraint and saying, notice so many other lives, like so many other versions of who we could be. And in another life, I'm like, Damn, it would have been so cool to be an Olympian, but I'm celebrating your life and being like, she's being an Olympian, for me. Yes. Go out there doing it for all of us. So cool.

Kristi Wagner 51:31

Yeah, it's, thank you. I feel like it is a very cool and unique thing. But I think the other thing that's cool about it, and I've kind of realized over the past couple of years is like, there are people doing amazing things all around me. And it's just not the same, like visibility. And I think that one really cool thing about going to the Olympics was so many people like told me, they were proud of me. And I've tried to like, tell my friend I am equally proud of my friends and family. You know, like, you're amazing. And everything you said was amazing and cool. Are people stopping and telling you that there's no like me, I'm a life coach. But do you know just kidding, I mean, right? Like there's no like life coach day where we all celebrate all the life coach and there should be because we should celebrate other people's achievements more and like realize that we're all being inspired by each other. I don't know. It just really opened my eyes to like, celebrating people not just like when they get married or they have a baby or whatever those things are big life things and we shouldn't be celebrate them then but we should also celebrate them for just being the like badass awesome people they are yes

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 52:47

for celebrate them during the other three years. Right? Yeah. Amen. I love it snaps all around. Thank you so much for having me. Such a treat. I love talking to other women out there doing doing big things.

Kristi Wagner 53:04

That's what I know. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. So fun. I feel very inspired. Hell yeah.

Jessica McKinley Uyeno 53:13

If you don't follow me over on social media, first of all, what are you doing get over there, follow me at just McKinley Wayna. That's je s SMCKIN le y you y e n o. But on Instagram, I'm talking a lot about how we can knit and invest in our future self a year in advance. I like to do that by putting my money where my mouth is, if I'm telling the world if I'm telling you guys here on the show that my business is going to be in a certain place next year that I am going to be at a different skill set that I'm going to be, you know, selling out this type of offer or doing this at a high level, you better believe I'm gonna back it with action. And one of my favorite ways to do that is invest in myself and I recommend that my clients do the same. So for 2024 as is when you are leveling up to that future version of yourself prices they be going up. And so if you have been thinking about joining any of the containers, but especially one on one, now is the time to do it. Joining in December will lock in the 2023 pricing before it jumps quite a bit. one on one coaching can look very different from group coaching. It is an investment in a big life. It is an investment that only people that really want the things that not your average person wants invests in what do I mean by this? I mean my one on one clients don't come to me and they're like, Okay, well, can you guarantee that this is going to return and what it what is how many sessions do I get? No, it's not about the features. They come and they Believe Okay, being in your presence, you're going to call up my shit. You're going to elevate me with your energy, you're going to ask me the questions that I know I need to be asked. We're going to set some goals and you're not going to let me hide from them. If you want a big life where you are impacting the world, whether it's your team, whether it's your family, whether it's your community in a way that leaves a legacy, you're going to want to get one of these spots. There are two one on one spots left for 2023. Go and snag one you can join by going to sincerely future or the link in my bio on Instagram or in the show notes. I cannot wait to see you in the room. I hope you really enjoyed this episode. I had so much fun having this conversation because I think that we put people that are pursuing big lives up on a pedestal we think they're different from us, like they were just born with some sort of talent, but really, they have in their brain thoughts that are more useful to pursuing a big life more useful to coming across obstacles and experiencing failure and negative emotion. They simply don't make it mean that they can't have what they want. And if you took anything away from this episode, I hope you took away that Christie is a normal human being with normal feelings, thoughts and emotions just like the rest of us, and that if she can do it, how you can have a great week my friend

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